Should loving someone of bisexual orientation be this messy?

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 20:48:01 GMT

It started two years ago, it ended nine months ago, and it still fleets through the back of my mind today.

When you think of the word "rainbow", what first comes to mind? I suppose in this context you'd already suspect I'm referring to homosexuality. It may also connote happiness and innocence. I sometimes wonder if the synonymity of the words "gay" and "happiness" really is arbitrary.

Frankly, orientation should be irrelevant. We should be attracted to persons, not genders, though orientation seemed to set a lot of complications to snowball.

A Bit of Intro for Some Context

In September 2006, during my orientation week for my first year in university, I met this shy & quiet, very pretty, modest, keeps-her-opinions-to-herself kind of girl, Emily (pseudonym), who just arrived from the other side of the country. I had no romantic interests in her at the time, and we easily developed a close friendship as campus-mates. In the meantime, she would always be receiving flirtations from at least three or four other guys. I found it amusing in a way, she told me it was a curse she didn't know how to lift.

However, around January 2007, my feelings developed into a profound romantic attraction, which started to bother me. I didn't want to become another one of those "randoms who wanted to sport [her] like a trophy". I kept silent for seven months, during which we were still very close.

Around end of August I asked Emily out, and it came as a bit of a shock to her since at the time I was then her best guy friend (yes, I was contemplating the point of no return whereby a purely platonic friendship potentially spoils upon her realization of my romantic interest). Surprisingly, according to her, I was the first guy who ever asked her out in person (others always did it through MSN, which I personally find lame).

Emily was speechless and seemed really confused, then hesitantly told me she already liked "someone else" since May, and it was clearly distressing her. She wouldn't tell me who this mysterious "someone else" was, but I was fine with that. I was disappointed, needless to say, but I only wanted the best for her and if that meant she preferred to be happy with "Someone Else", I can appreciate and accept that.

Thankfully, our friendship was still strong, though at the back of my mind I knew (and she knew) I still loved her.

In September 2007, she was overcome with distress. On the surface, she looked calm and undisturbed as ever, but she told me she was going through a lot of change inside and was depressed by it. Talk about vague. She wouldn't tell me what exactly was eating her out; she promised to tell me more later. I suppressed all suspicions and only offered to be her "rantee".

Things Get Tricky

Around late January of 2008, instead of commuting back home from campus one day, I crash for the night in a friend's room at the residence (where Emily also happens to live) because I need extra sleep before a crucial fencing tournament early the next morning, and there's no way I'm commuting for two hours one way through a Canadian winter blizzard at 7 in the morning. Emily finds me as I prepare to sleep at around 11 PM.

Her: "Can we talk for a bit?"
Me: "Is this something we have to talk about right now? You know I have to qualify for the regionals tomorrow."
"Um... [pause] Remember how I told you something was bugging me since last May? I'd really like to share it with you now."
"... Okay."

That's when it occurred to me that I had never heard Emily use a pronoun for "Someone Else".

She confessed to me that she was bisexual, and said she wished that I had asked her out much earlier, since she was then interested in this other girl I knew, Janice (pseudonym). It was her first genuine, profound attraction to a female, and I can imagine it's a big deal to her.

We sat and talked (much more sitting than talking) until 4 in the morning, and I didn't sleep a wink. The next day, I was the only member of my team who didn't qualify for the finals. My coach wouldn't allow me to compete with the fencing team for another nine months.

Things Go Downhill From There

Emily continued to confide in me, since her problem wasn't really resolved, and she trusted no one else with talk about sexual orientation. I felt torn on all sides because I still loved her, and she knew it, but she needed to confide in me about her love for Janice (who's straight), while fending off those typical three or four oblivious guys who come and go for a chance at her heart.

It was a messy situation, and a few messy events ensued. For example, Valentine's Day was a shitshow; Emily rejected my gift and was preoccupied with delivering her gift to Janice, who happened to be the receptionist of the residence the morning of Valentine's Day.

Me on the IM service: i was just wondering when would be most convenient for you if i were to drop off your valentines gift. i still need to do my part after all but i dontn want to make things difficult for you
Me: since u said tmr wont really work
Her: yknow what, dont bother...
Her: OH
Her: actually, drop it off at the front desk when she works...then i wont be able to just walk past
Her: so it'll force me to hand over mine
Her: lol
Me: ...
Her: no im really serious
Her: cuz i think there's a 10% chance i'll be able to do it
Her: then a 10% chance of that she'll get the message

My adventures in seeking the gift, preparing the gift, and having the gift rejected, are separate stories in themselves. Amidst the mess, I always manage to reconcile and convince myself that Emily's just going through a REALLY tough time, so no one is to blame for any of this. I should just suck it up. At the same time, I was upset because I felt that my friendship with Emily was eroding. She was fragile, I had to adapt and be careful around her, and there didn't seem to be much other basis for our bond. I wanted to take good care of her, but she was untouchable.

Two weeks later, Emily messaged me about Janice for the last time. I couldn't stand listening to her anymore and I told her to stop. We didn't talk anymore after that. As soon as the topic of Janice dissipated from the conversation, our friendship dissipated as well.

What Happens Now?

So we stopped talking much since March, and I just discovered that she now has a boyfriend (yup, she's back to being straight; just my terrible timing isn't it?). I still don't mind if she's happy being with someone else. I DO mind that she has moved on considerably quicker than I have without giving me a chance to tell her how I felt about the whole two-year situation.

Emily is not a bad girl. She would never willfully toy with boys, but so many boys voluntarily cater to her just because they want to win her over that she is now primed to be more of a taker than a giver, and takes boy service for granted. She's used to having guys (including me) around her at any given time. Am I justified in suspecting that she treated our friendship as disposable this way, despite her entrusting me with a secret she didn't tell anyone else?

I'm not asking for opinions about what actions I should or should not have taken, but wondering if my feelings about this situation are fair. I have lots of questions, but I'll just focus on one topic: PRIDE

I felt that if I continued seeing her to keep her happy and keep some sort of connection with her, without her having shown much appreciation anymore, I would just feel like an idiot. That is why I called it quits. I wanted to preserve whatever pride or dignity was left in me. I wanted her to realize that she was sucked in by her own self-centeredness and left me little space. I wanted her to realized that she was not entitled to me.

It's not about what happened, it's about why they happened.

On the other hand, if I didn't let pride get in my own way, I could have stayed with her all the way, and things probably would have gone much smoother, though I can't know for sure. As well, salvaging pride would only be meaningless and I would just be playing my own victim because she would just look for another boy anyway (hence, this boyfriend who got her just when she reverted to "straight mode" again).

Was dropping it justified to 1) keep my pride and 2) want her to realize that her attitude is exploitative (whether or not she was conscious about it)?

Overall, I've been answered with more yeses (I made the right choice in dropping) than noes (I should have stayed with her), but for neither answer have I gotten a satisfactory reason...

P.S. It's been nine months and we have never mentioned it to each other since. Is it a good idea for me to pull her aside now and let her realize she crossed my line? Is it too late?

One more point to seal the deal.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 05:09:00 GMT

//=====
Casual salle practice referee: "La première attaque: non. La contre-attaque: point. Combat."
Me: "Are you kidding me?"
"You did take a huge step."
"That's not my intention at all, it was supposed to be a feint, composite, definitely not a step!"
"It still looked like the first big step being 'first attack, no'. Sorry, it's a hard habit to break."
"This is nothing skill- or strategy-related..."
"Doesn't matter, the real deal is about what I saw, not what you wanted to do."
"..."
"Funny enough actually, most points against you are done in some kind of counter-time."
=====//

Yes, I always miss out to counter-time. A counter-time at anytime, not just closing time, yet two-timing when toying at 4-4, 14-14, or 44-44 sudden death, not to mention being just one indicator under cutoff at Qualifier. In fact, rather sickening.

//=====
"You have undeniably fast feet," coach reassures, "but with 'fast' must come 'delicate'. Control is crucial, because when you're on the strip, you don't think. You don't want to think. You can't afford to think. All the thinking is done in between points."
=====//

I don't think there's much of an "in-between".

ParryRiposte's Datingish

Should loving someone of bisexual orientation be this messy?

One more point to seal the deal.